Comparison

Comparison

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Life has a funny way of sneaking up on us. Sometimes we left us with no choice, testing our capacities and force us to live in the world of comparison. Who would have thought that even if life is sometimes so unfair, it has a funny way of helping us out? God created everyone of us differently. Though we are different, we still can’t stop comparing ourselves to others. Unfortunately, we measure how we fit into this society by comparing our existence to others.

When I was 7 years old, I innocently asked my mother if I can just go back on her womb and not be born at all. It’s not that I don’t like to live; it’s just that maybe I got tired of comparing and competing with my alter ego. Every breath we take is a competition for oxygen. Frankly, I hate comparisons, who doesn’t? Everything about me is always paired with comparison. Is it because I have an identical twin sister or it’s just a part of human nature?

We are often called “the Nautan twins”. I have an identical twin sister named Laika. People didn’t even bother to call us on our name instead they called us “Nautan twin”. Unfortunately, they didn’t see us as a two different individuals. The language of comparing twins is inevitable, I guess. Having an identical twin I guess will always have also a twin rival-comparison and competition. Who is prettier, smarter, more responsible, etc.? We often compare ourselves with each other, unfortunately, everyone else does! Maybe other people don’t have the intention to hurt our feelings but sadly, whenever they started comparing us even if we didn’t care at all still the insecurities are there.

The whole comparison thing starts out innocently then with the whole awareness. Wherever we go, they treated us like clones rather than human followed by labels they had given to us. How can I disconnect this thing if it’s already part of being me? Instead of using “I”, I’m always using “we” and people who doesn’t know that I have a twin ends up on asking me “why you always have to use “we” instead of “I”? I remember whenever I have an interview, essay writing about myself and even I was confined in the hospital, I always used “we”. Maybe I have to accept the fact that I am not alone in this world.

How it feels to have a twin? Actually, I don’t know what it’s like not to have a twin. Sanayan lang siguro(we have to use to it). It’s a little bit crazy! I don’t hate my twin sister; in fact, I love her more than I love myself because without her i will never be complete. She will always be my other half. My rival? I don’t think so. She is never a threat to me. We were raised in equal and fair society. In fact, more than any people could ask for and I feel blessed about it. Instead of mouthing an array of words, they gave us the capacity of doing things and mean it. We may not have everything but I think we had enough. About our social life?Typical. We cannot stop people from talking as long as they like. We really don’t care at all as long as we’re not stepping other people’s privacy and rights.

My classmates and friends often called us “doppelganger”, too. We’re used to it (whether we like it or not, we have to use to it). We just pretend like the real one. It never our intention to fool other people but what can we do if that’s part of the consequences of having a twin. We just said to them “Gutom lang yan, baka namamalikmata ka lang” (maybe you’re just hungry and looks can be deceiving sometimes)

One time, we planned switching our identity especially if we don’t like the subjects. I will be Laika instead of Maika since our teachers didn’t even bother to get to know us better. We end up both pretty guilty about what we’ve done and that was the first and last time we did that. We promised ourselves not to do it again. Thank God, they didn’t notice us even our classmates and friends.

I don’t know if it’s part of the nature of twins but I tell you something about us. We have the same taste in fashion (I often raid her closet even though we have the same clothes if not the colors), music (I can play all her pieces and I know how to play all the instruments that she plays and vice versa), grades (my twin and I always received almost identical marks in all our subjects at school. It’s okay to be like that because it meant we didn’t have to put up with being labeled the smart one versus the dumb one), foods, colors, likes and dislikes. Can I tell you a secret? Well, we used to have the same crushes ever since we started to look to our opposite sex until now. Even if I don’t like the guy, once she likes it I don’t know but I can’t help myself but to like the guy as well. Then when I asked her “Did you like that guy?” “How did you know?” she asked, “Because I really don’t like the guy but whenever I saw him my heart skip to beat and it sounds like thunder.” The moment she said yes, all my doubts started to fade. How can I don’t know about my identical twin sister if we always together since birth or must I say ever since we are still fetus.

Recently, I really don’t understand on why she and my classmates started to act differently. It was our third quarter recognition day. Our physics teacher talked to our grandma. They seem to talk a very important matter. Then during our flag ceremony, my grandma stand behind the guy named “Kenneth”. As I looked at the guy, he was so stiffed and his face almost turned red. That time my grandma already knew that they are an item and I was not. After our recognition, the commotion started. I was speechless because I really don’t know anything. Then my classmate came to me and asked me “Have you told your grandma about it?” then I asked him “of what? What are you talking about”. He answered “I guess they are already an item”. Then that’s it. I was like a big jerk. I thought the guy liked me because he always looked at me with a sparkled on his eyes. How come I didn’t know anything about it? I admitted that whenever I saw this guy, there was something I can’t described. Before the school year ends, she and her friends told me everything about it. They even blamed me that it was my entire fault when in fact the hell I care about it. And I don’t know anything about it for chrissake! It was crazy but at least we’ve learned something about it that despite the whole comparisons, we are still two individuals. Due to the series of events, the whole comparing things started again. Why your twin sister is like that and why aren’t you? Why your sister is not as smart as you? (I was the class valedictorian and she was our first honorable mention). Why she isn’t good like you? The comparing things never end.

When we were already in college, I make sure that we didn’t look like as we always are. I cut my hairvery short and her hair remains the same. I’ve always thought that I looked very different from my twin sister, even though we’re identical twins. But other people can’t tell the difference though. Sadly, how can I avoid the comparing things if we have the same school, room, classmates, professors, subjects and unfortunately we are seatmates (she also taking up BS Accountancy). I thought I was out on the cage of comparison and have a normal life like the non-twins. Sadly, I am not. I was trapped again, this time, not only from myself but also beyond everything- especially the people around us. Despite the comparison between us, whether it was in academic, athletic, or social accomplishment was completely inevitable, but it helped us to thrive, always striving to match the other. The world of today is full of deceit, hypocrisy, lies and pretenses; it is so hard to find whom you can trust. If there is one person whom I can trust, it is still my resemblance-my twin sister. I am not myself if I don’t have her in my life. No one can break this bond between us. They may not understand us especially the non-twin but one thing I’m very sure; Comparison is always there but it can’t make us apart, no matter what.

Some people fall into the trap of comparing themselves to others. People must see us as properly separate individuals. Despite of having an analogy in face, I still considered myself as a separate individual. I am not writing this because I’m full of bitterness to my identical twin sister but I am just trying to say that there is more to life than comparing yourselves to others. It is to love yourself. No one will love yourself the way you do. Stop making excuses that she has a lot of money for the cosmetics, they have a nice genes, they can afford to have a surgery, etc. Stop those damn insecurities and throw it away in the trash bin. Be true to yourself. After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone of us is beautiful aside from the eyes of the insecure.

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